My Language Contributions (Part One):

I have never considered myself a cunning linguist, however, in retrospect, I feel that throughout the course of my life I have made some very viable contributions to the English language. Of course, they have not yet been fully integrated into society, but perhaps the day will come when Webster and those goddamn bureaucrats catch on to what's really going on in the streets. They're trying... they'll get there. They mean well. "Doh" is in there, isn't it?

My first contribution came at an early age. Have you ever caught yourself holding few locks of hair on your head, rubbing the hair and feeling how soft it is? No? Well, I do it pretty much everyday. And I have done so ever since I had hair (which was day No. 1, since I was born an entire month late). Is this weird? Is feeling how soft your hair is weird? Does anyone else do this?

I'm letting my insecurities get in the way here and I'm straying from the point of this post: my 1st addition to the English language. The word I designated for this phenomenon is "softing." Ex:

Mom: Brady, what are you doing there?
Brady: Softing my hair.

Word. Maybe I'll roll some video footage of some textbook softing and post it so you can all laugh at me some more. And then you'll retreat to the privacy of your bedroom and try some softing of your own. Hypocrites... it matters not: I doubt even half of you have the thick, soft, full-bodied locks I have been blessed with.