WHUT

I haven't posted here since 2008!?!?!? Let's see what I can do about getting my Facebook feed to spit out over here....

https://www.facebook.com/dummydrome

THE ALBUM IS OUT!

The End is Nigh!

No, I'm not taking about dogs and cats living together or mass hysteria (though I could because that shit is coming yo). I'm talking about the end of the long drawn out process of making an album. It's been a long while since I posted an update on Coaxial Moments and right now I'm in the process of fighting to get the disc produced exactly as I want it. But let me back up and fill in all the fun happenings between my last post and right now.

On February 3, 2008 my kickass wife and I were blessed by the birth of our daughter, Charlie. That's an entire blog entry in itself. However, there are a few moments from the totally rad labor experience that tie in with the genesis of this album. Very late in the labor and only a few hours before Charlie was born, one of our midwives was checking and listening to the baby's heart rate using a Doppler monitor when I noticed the thinger had a 1/8" output on it. So, needless to say, there will be an appearance of Charlie's in-utero heartbeat somewhere on the album. My placement of this audio gem is also one of the reasons production/duplication of the CD has come to a screeching halt. More on that later...

My man Beeftheque hooked me up with a sweet turntable (that, surprisingly, had digital coaxial outputs on it) and mid-February, I laid down the scratching on the outro of "Dry Socket" and that marked the end of the actual recording phase of the album. Hooray for this.

Somewhere in here, the song formerly titled "Whack" was renamed "Regulus." Upgrade, indeed.

Next came the mastering phase. Luckily for me, the mastering was done by the illustrious Brian O'Neill of Stewd Yoe in Bristow, VA. He is one patient dude. I'm not sure how many times I made him redo the tracks, but it was a lot. In his defense, most of the issues were due to shitty mixes, so I had to go back, remix the track then send it to him to be mastered yet again.

After more than a month of this (we both were having fun getting thrown up on by our kids), shit was finally done done.... well, until I realized that I hated how "Sneaky Falls (198X)" turned out. Rather than slap yet another "back to square one" request on Brian, I decided to just remix and master this tune myself. So if that song ends up sound like shit to you, it's 100% my fault, not his! If I could have avoided this, I would have but trust me, it was shittay. It was a classic example of tweaking a track to the point where you suck all of the life out of it. It reached a point where the magic that initially made me choose this song to be on the album was gone. I ended up reverting the mix to sounding very close to where it was the day I wrote it (September 17, 2003).

Now that the music was locked down, I began the artwork and layout for the insert and packaging. I put just as much work and artistic energy into this as I did with the music. It's been a long time since I undertook such a large visual project and it felt good to do some graphic design again. The art ties in with the album really well and I'm extremely pleased with how it turned out.

The next step was burning the master. Sounds easy, right? NO! Being the demanding fellow that I am, I decided I needed some trickery on the CD authoring tip. I needed the disc to be EXACTLY 42 minutes and 00 milliseconds. I also needed two songs to have pregap tracks. This is where the issues with "making the dream a reality" started to kick me in the face. I figured with all their mighty technology, DiscMakers wouldn't have any trouble recreating a CD I authored in my attic. I figured wrong:

I am currently in possession of 100 kinda-close versions of Coaxial Moments and it hurts my feelings. The packaging and printing came out super-nice and professional looking, but the pregap stuff is nonexistent. Effing FROWNY FACE. I had even called DiscMakers a few times to make sure that there was no funny stuff with the CD. I was looking for 100 EXACT copies of the master I sent them, no more, no less. Unfortunately, they didn't really get this.

I immediately contacted DiscMakers and they offered to knock off 25% from the duplication cost. Although that would mean about $100.00, it would mean that I would have a CD that I ALMOST dreamed about producing. Luckily for me, I have a great support system backing me. I thought back to an e-mail I got from Lucas in February when I was fretting over the mastering process. It simply read, "I say go with what you want...no compromises." I immediately called Antje to get her input and she concurred that I should hold out for a product that I'm 100% happy with.

The down side to this is that the prophesized (not a real word!) release date of June 7, 2008 wasn't going to happen. This also hurts my feelings.

So as I type this a new master is out for delivery to DiscMakers' New Jersey facility for evaluation. There's still a chance that they might not be able to do what I want them to. If that's the case, I will try to see if they'll let me burn the discs then send them back for printing and packaging.

I just want this to be over and done with. I'm so sick of working on this album.....

To Do: Coax20080318

Here's what's left:

1) Listen to mastered vs. unmastered
2) import and cut mastered tracks 9 and 10
3) research stamps, mailers return address labels
4) research paypal
5) add .5 sec silence to track 1
6) figure out auto run, cd icon and data burn
7) secure funds from investor(s)
8) tweak UPC bar code
9) Finish credits page
10) print test copy
11) have mom and antje check love section
12) cut coax and rgglt and encode mp3s
13) tag mp3s
14) include lyrics, dummydogs and cover on data portion
15) check lyrics

E-Merger

Note to self: try to raise the dead with the E-merger cart. Try loading the .save file on the cart using the Transferer and then extracting it using the E-Merger utilities.

Pussy Jangles

Here I am, doing this again. This time, I'll call it a "grocery" list... what the eff is a "laundry list," anyway? You sort the dirty clothes by color and then you wash them. What need is there for a list?

1) Coax- Made changes on intro; still needs new title. Maybe "Leoliscious?" EDIT: Note new title!
2) Swivet- DONE! Yep.
3) The Speed of Light- DONE! Yep.
4) We B Noize- DONE! Yep.
5) Sneaky Falls- A touch more bass on the overall mix? EDIT: FIXED
6) Elizabeth and Her Gypsy Elephant- Reduce entire volume by 3 db. Yes, I'm that anal. EDIT: FIXED
7) Edgehog- DONE! Don't forget to manually fade it out!
8) Ryan's Gonna Get Laid Tonite- DONE! This one's not budging.
9) Echolocation- Lower all vox volume just a touch EDIT: FIXED
10) I Have Too Many- Boost master volume, lower clean vox volume EDIT: FIXED
11) Dry Socket/The Battle- re-perform outro bass EDIT: FIXED; find sample and add that scratchin' at the end (Brand Nubian "Back Up Off the Wall"?) Record found!
12) Whack- increase volume of guitar solo; re-record line "for me..." EDIT: FIXED
13) Coaxially Yours- replace "die" lyric with "tears" quote.
14) Sunset- lower overall vocal volume; lower 2nd chorus harmony EDIT: FIXED

Pissant/Peon

These are two words that share similar definitions and similar humorous undertones and yet have completely unrelated etymology.

Posting on the sly....

This post is merely a test to see if I can really post via e-mail. And fart and spit and pee pee.
--
"If you will it, it is no dream."
-Theodor Herzl

Better, closer, warmer....

Put in some serious time on the record. Luckily for me, not only is Eric a great friend, so is Justin.

I've been feeling generally uninspired to do any recording lately and then I get this txt message:

"If you're not recording vocals right now, you should be. I'm going to kick you in the fucking nuts if you don't finish that record this month."





It's funny what gets us motivated. Well, I'm not going to be 100% done, but I think I've put in enough work to avoid any sort of foot-to-sack action. And of course, we're dudes... that message actually translates to "I support you and believe in your abillity, my dear friend!" To top it off, the support didn't end there. Justin has also given the drafts I sent him a good listen and has come back with some really useful feedback. What a guy. I'd probably marry him if I wasn't already married and he wasn't such a fat shit.

So I've posted this list a dozen times, but it's never looked this good:

1) Leotis- I'm just gonna leave it....(should I change the title? I think I will....)
2) Swivet- DONE!
3) The Speed of Light- DONE!
4) We B Noize- DONE!
5) Sneaky Falls- DONE!
6) Elizabeth and Her Gypsy Elephant-DONE
7) Edgehog- DONE!
8) Ryan's Gonna Get Laid Tonite- DONE!
9) Echolocation- might be done, might have to fix some shaky vocals...
10) I Have Too Many- more shaky vocals
11) Dry Socket/The Battle- just need to add that scratchin' at the end!
12) Whack- more shahaky vox
13) Sound Test- DONE! (Should this song be renamed "Coaxially Yours"? I think it shall be....)
14) Sunset- DONE!

Now, what also needs to be done throughout is a removal and smoothing of all the little glitches from buffer underruns. It sucks, but it's better than spending $$$$ on more RAM.

Sneaky Falls 198X

Stepping outside to take my Huffy for a short ride
another summer day with perfect skies
counting up my South Side Video Chips cuz I'm
off to rent Rad for the fifth or the sixth time

Coming down the driveway, rolling up to West Bayard Street
I hear the sound of approaching beats
an Escort whips by, blaring CQ102
while every other car in town blasts WSFW

I cross the street and head straight down Swaby
keeping far away from the Franklin Hotel, baby
those guys are crazy, there's no telling what they'll do
that guy who looked like Manson built a boat up in his bedroom

I ride on just like I was Cru Jones
straight on backpedaling cuz now I'm in the zone
flipping back like I was on the Helltrack because

I feel like the good old days are coming back
mags and pegs all up in the bike rack
from the foot of the falls to the top of Killer Hill
fucking with the fake nun 'till we get our fill

I feel like the salad days are coming back
reversing the order of future, present and past

Hey man, let's catch a movie at the Strand
or hit the bandstand and change colors with Zartan
we'll take a look at comic books at Rook's
Wolverine 10 was the one that got me hooked.

Now I got my thumb on my forehead yelling "beefer"
and that's just as bad as my 1-2-3 jinx fever
Pump up my sneakers and then I head down to the Rec
win a game of tips or double bounce and win respect

and nothing compares 2 a Pudgies Party Pizza
Jump and Hot For Teacher, Wyatt, Gary and Lisa
hypercoloring t-shirts that we got from Auburn Mall
Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E. men: collect them all!

Oh sweet nostalgia U just can't touch this
it's my childhood bliss, the moments that I miss
Lassoing memories like I had a proton pack

I feel like the good old days are coming back
mags and pegs all up in the bike rack
From the foot of the falls to the top of Killer Hill
Fucking with the fake nun until we get our fill

I feel like the salad days are coming back
reversing the order of future, present and past

My Friend Eric

Eric is such a good friend.

He is the only person who constantly encourages me to finish my stupid album. The other day, we set a new deadline: 7/21/07, which is the day before I leave for vacation to Germany.

I've also decided that I'm going to make a mini documentary about recording the vocals. Well, not really. It's going to be a montage....

Readership

If you want to keep your readership, you have to constantly post on your blog. This is something that a few of us here at work were discussing the other day. It's true. But don't you have to have readership first? My friends and family probably read some entries here or there but then never checked back. And maybe the fact that I knew that is why I don't keep up on this blog. What's the point of talking to yourself, anyhow? Well, I guess there are some obvious answers. So I'll keep going.


I wrote a new song with the GameBoy. It's called "Super Diaper Rash" and I wrote it for my mom for Mother's Day. She hasn't even heard it yet. I was going for happy, uplifting and just something my mom would like. I doubt she'll be too impressed with it though. After coming up with the main melody and a change, I abandoned it and started over. 3 times. I listened back to all 4 drafts and that first one was still the one I thought was the best one for my mom. So I went back to it and pushed it along.

It had a very old school NES feel to it. Like pre-DPCM sample channel days. I imagined a game that was all about changing diapers. The main character is my mom and she has to dodge poop and pee and apply baby powder to little diaper rash bumps all over the screen. This song would be the music for the first level. There's an intro that starts the game off and a bridge section that I call the "Pee Pee Part." It's nice.

The song is on a compilation of tunes made specifically for Mother's Day 2007 and you can find it here.

☦

☦

Singing: Not Fun?

Why is locking myself the my attic and singing and singing and singing not fun for me? It's fun to play guitar. It's fun to play bass. It's fun to program synths and drum machines. It's fun to mix. But I just cannot get into spending time on working on my vocals. Why?

All of the above items that I listed as being "fun" do not come effortlessly to me (is "effortlessly" a word?). Well, I take that back. Sometimes they do. But at first they surely didn't. I had to work my ass off to get proficient on the guitar and bass. I have had friends who have no prior musical training, have picked up the guitar or bass and within 3 months they're as good as I was after 3 years.

Here's my theories:

• I'm getting to be an older dog and I don't want to learn new tricks.
• I am not too enamoured with the tone of my voice. You pick up a guitar that sounds like shit, you get a different one or switch the pickups or throw a bunch of effects on it. Hmmmm.....

I knew typing these ideas out would help me a little. That second bullet did it, I think, so I'll stop the list there. No, I can't swap put my vocal cords (though I think there's some surgery they're doing now) and I've been experimenting with effects, but all that does is hide your suckiness like the old fat man behind the curtain who happened to be the Wizard of Oz. Hmmmm... what's so bad about that? Before Toto came and exposed him, he had a pretty good thing going there. The Emerald City was no joke. Even though he was a big faker, the finished product he produced and perpetuated was pretty impressive. It was quite a feat to build that huge hologram machine and all those pyrotechnics. And when it came down to it, he stepped up and hooked up Dorothy and her posse with all they hoped to get from him. Not bad.

So maybe I'll just hide behind my production skills..... if it sounds good, then so what?

But that's not the issue here: I need to change my outlook on singing. I almost dread going up there to lay down tracks.

You know, I used to love to sing. I actually had the lead in a few musicals when I was in like 6th or 7th grade. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe my voice is stuck in "Musical Mode." Maybe forever. I hate musicals.

I'm losing focus on this entry now. I'm just going to go buy Singing for Dummies tonight and stop my whining.

Big... like a pickle.

Coaxial Moments: The Laundry List

What do I have left to do to actually finish this record that I've been taking my sweet-ass time with since 2002? Well, this:

1) Leotis- I'm just gonna leave it....(should I change the title?)
2) Swivet- DONE! WAIT! NOT DONE! I just wrote a harmony that I need to record! Here we go...
3) The Speed of Light- record vox
4) We B Noize- perfection in one take
5) Sneaky Falls- record vox
6) Elizabeth and Her Gypsy Elephant-DONE
7) Edgehog- re-record bass, guitar?, sax? (unlikely), vox;
8) Ryan's Gonna Get Laid Tonite- more perfection in one take!
9) Echolocation- vox, fix middle guitar break
10) I Have Too Many- vox; record bassline thru blown car speakers
11) Dry Socket/The Battle- vox, add sample/scratches/what-have-you to outro (the battle)
12) Whack- vox
13) Sound Test- move stuff around; vox; check drum fills vs. old versions (may have changed accidently)NOTE: they didn't change (Should this song be renamed "Coaxially Yours"?)
14) Sunset- vox

Ear licks revisited... ALBUM IS WRITTEN

OK, so Griz came to my rescue. His genius continues to astonish me. I was still desperately trying to finish up the lyrics to this last song and I begged Griz for his help. Man, he came though in such a big way. One line he wrote was a total homer. It was EXACTLY what I was looking for. It was like Griz crawled into my brian and pulled it right out.

So, that's it then. The entire album is written! Every note, every word. Now I just have to record the vocals, re-record some of the guitar and bass parts and then tweak the final mixes! Time to bear down and crank this bitch out!

The Year of the Shrimps

The Year of the Shrimps begins NOW:



It's go time. Joe and I have been talking about doing this project for a while now. Lots and lots of talking and thinking and reading and tinkering. Monday, we got together for a nice 4 hour chunk and did some intensive research and development. And it was good. Of course, there was very little sound that we produced that actually resembled music. And that's as cool as owing money all over town to known pornographers. We need to get comfortable with this setup before be start trying to rock faces off.

Do The Al McGuire Dance!!!!

PNWARD!

Dan Fisk let me borrow his sweet vocal mic and preamp. Vocals, vocals, vocals....

Lyrics or Ear Licks

Ew! Ear licks! Gross.

Well, hello out there to everyone who religiously reads my blog! How is everyone today? Super. Me, too.

I just wanted to tell the world that I'm done with all the lyrics for all of the songs on my album... except one. Of course, I knew that this one would be a bitch to write lyrics to, so about a year ago (or more) I asked for help from my main man Griz. And he's done nothing. Great. Thanks, Griz.

I'm really sweating it with this one. I don't know what I want to do with it. I kinda always imagined it as a weirdo rap number, but let's be honest, I'm no rapper.... anymore. Ha. On top of that, I don't know if the subject matter is too concrete to fit with the rest of the songs. I've often thought about calling in a real MC to rhyme on this, but I just don't know....

"She broke my heart in TWO!"

Let History Repeat Itself

Did you know that the Pit Bull used to be a great symbol of America just like effing apple pie and Diet Coke? It's true. Check out Sergeant Stubby and Pete the Pup and consider getting yourself an American Staffordshire Terrier (same thing, yo) as your next pet and reviving this wonderful breed as America's Dog. Unless, that is, you live in stupid Denver.

Note: This is so weird. I've known for a while that Pit Bulls were popular around the time of WWI, but just learned about Stubby about 10 minutes ago while I was reading "Pit Bulls for Dummies" on the toilet. That info led me to write this blog entry. Of course, I had to look up more info about Stubby on the Wikipedia and I found that TODAY there is a ceremony honoring him with a brick in the Walk of Honor at the United States World War I monument in Kansas City. Whoa.

Super Sucko

I haven't been playing or even listening to music enough lately. Now that I've been getting a ride to work, the bulk of my Music Appreciation Time has been squashed. This has been very obvious in my playing as of late: it's been less than inspired and super sucky.

New Tune

It's kind of a hard listen. Just close your eyes and try not to throw up... and headphones are recommended.

"PAST THE VESTIBULE" by dotdUmmy

I wrote it specifically for this upcoming animated film called We Are the Strange. Definitely check it out... it's some sweet-ass shit (asshit?).

RCKYMTN

I saw this license plate the other day: RCKYMTN.

I thought "whoa... that dude really likes Ricky Martin." Then I noticed the image on his Colorado plates.

...and the Oscars

Has it occurred to you that maybe they gave that Oscar to Three-Six Mafia just so people like me can't call them pretentious, man? Sir?

That had not occurred to us, dude.

It was a breath of fresh air seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman's acceptance speech. He is such a real dude. It was a pretty lame speech and he was nervous and not very composed. I loved it. It made me like him even more... and that's saying something because after Lebowski, I liked him a lot.

That's marvelous.

...

I Still Hate the Grammies

That's how it should be spelled, by the way.

I have hated this award show since Jethro Tull won "Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance" in '88. Even at 10 I knew this was bullshit.

I rarely watch any of it anymore. Last night, I was at my parents' house and it was on. And I caught myself saying "they better give it to fucking Kelly Clarkson. Come on, Kelly Clarkson...."

What a shitty state the music industry is in.

Eight (8) is Enough

How many bits do you need? 8 bits.

As you all may know, there are many nerds out there who have been continuing to make music on the Nintendo Entertainment System even though this console hase been discontinued and is often deemed "obsolete." Many are drawn to this genre of music strictly because of nostalgia and subcultural capital. I'll admit, those factors played a part in my initial curiousity, but they certainly are not at all instrumental in developing the pure obsession for Nintendo music that has overcome me. Call me a snob, but for me, part of the allure of the NES stuff is the trickery and simplicity of it all. At any given time, you are only actually hearing 3 simultaneous notes. And then drums. And even on the drums, most of the time you're only hearing one drum sound at a time, and if the programmer was tricky, 2... or if they're real tricky and willing to sacrifice some melodic content, three! The bottom line is, the NES only has 5 sound channels, 3 can be programmed for melodic content, 1 can play samples and one can manipulate white noise. They're all doubly monophonic: neither polyphonic nor stereophonic. The gameboy has only monophonic 4 channels, but they're stereo, which is useful.

I guess my point is, it's the minimalism of it all that I really love. When it comes down to it, I've really learned a lot about music in general from poring over all these NES/gameboy tracks. The old cliche "less is more" is so fucking on point.

EXAMPLE:
Download this program called VirtuNSF and then go here and download all the nsf's (Nintendo Sound Files) you want, but make sure you get Metroid. Open it in VirtuaNSF and listen to the second track (when Samus fades in at the beginning of the game). One of the sweet features of this program is that you can control the volume of the different channels. Go to the "Setting" menu and select "Volume balance." The bottom 6 channels are some weird channels that some game maufacturer started adding to the games themselves late in the NES life (like 199X) and I've never actually seen them used. IGNORE THEM. Play with the 1st three (Rect 1, Rect 2 and Triangle) and listen to how little and shitty each channel sounds on its own. Then turn 'em up again and be amazed at the thickness! (Click here to read a very interesting Wikipedia article about the man who scored Metroid, Hirokazu "Hip" Tanaka.)

NSF's are my fave. Each one has all the tracks from the game and some of the good ones even have all the sound fx! I have a nsf player on my PocketPC and I hook the bitch up to my FM transmitter and bump that shit in my car. Fuck the Young Jeezy single, Brinstar's burning up!

Zartan

Remember when you were a kid and you were waiting for something to come in the mail? Like Ralphie and his goddamn secret decoder pin?

Well, my piece was the G.I. Joe villain, Zartan. That fucker had these heat sensitive pads that changed color, his skin changed color in the sunlight and so did the sweet little swamp skiff that came with him! And J.C. Penny had them fucking BACKORDERED!!!!! Forever. Holy shit, I wanted that figure. After about eight years (which was really about 8 weeks), he showed up on the front porch. To this day, my heart still starts to race a little every time I see a UPS truck or a mail truck in front of my parents' house.

So, I went up on eBay to see if I could snag one since my original is long gone (classic mother yard sale maneuver). Fair market value of one in MLC condition (mint loose and complete) is only $20-$30. That's according to the greatest book ever: "The Ultimate Guide to G.I. Joe 1982-1994," by Mark Bellomo, a hometown pal. TRUE!

I haven't been able to find an original Zartan that I really like and can afford... yet. However, I did find the 1994 version which is extra sweet because he represents with a serious mohawk! Now I get to impatiently wait for the mail to come everyday for the next week... just like old times!!!!

Oh yes.

Riders of Rohan... Rindsay Rohan.

OK, this will probably (hopefully) be my last blog entry EVER about Lindsay Lohan because quite frankly, I don't give two (2) poops about her. I've never seen any of her movies, TV shows or videos and I don't think I've ever heard an entire song, either. My only interest is (was) the fact that she's a human being in the public eye... suffering.

Or is/was she? She is now saying that she never admitted to having bulimia, they twisted her words and she never suffered from the eating disorder. So much for my sweet PSA idea.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just can't believe someone thought that this would be a great ad slogan:

"Children's Pink. It Does More Than You Think."

I was speechless.

http://www.childrenspepto.com/index.shtml

676767

Check the dummyMusic on the right and you will notice that the Sixes and Sevens are back, yo. I "remastered" the shit and it sounds like a brazilian times better now.

BTW, I learned this phrase from a buddy at Micromusic. I can't remember but I think his name was Hello. Great buddy I am...

36's37's

EDIT (1/0/2006): It was, in fact, Hello who inspired this song. He's a funny guy.

Bulimia Making Me Happy

That title sounds harsh, doesn't it? Well, the goddamn VH1 Big In '05 awards was one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever seen on TV... and I've seen some shit in my day. There was a lot on the show that really really really pissed me off, but I will not let myself get into that here. I mean, you all already know that Fallout Boy are a bunch of posers/douchebags, right? Right.

Lindsay Lohan: BIG IT Girl '05. In the little cutscene where they announce the nominees and why they should win this award some guy is talking about how Lindsay Lohan lost so much weight and looks so good and I fucking flipped shit. Obviously there was some sort of eating disorder fueling this. Call me a fool, but I thought she looked BAD this year. Sick and BAD. And these FUCKS are applauding this. Note: I think they also made some comment about Nicole Richie being skinny and hot, too. Hmm, I fucking wonder why?

Well, I just read today that Lindsay Lohan has ADMITTED TRYING DRUGS... and fought bulimia. The media continues to piss me the fuck off. See, they make such a huge deal about her admitting to trying drugs and then I read the article and she denies using cocaine and trails off, kinda implying that she didn't get into the hard stuff. So... what? She smoked the reefer? Maybe tripped once or something? Sorry, there's no story there, let alone a HEADLINE. The real news is that she's admitted to battling bulimia.

I'm glad she's admitted this and I wonder if the youth of America will be able to put shit together like I have. Will they be able to come up with the thought "Wait. These fucks are applauding a sick, undernourished physique? Fuck that!" Sure, this emphasis on the ultra-thin body image is nothing new, but it's so far in the forefront now that it makes me sick.

I want some radical PSA out there, on VH1, showing the Big in '05 awards clip of that dude saying how she lost weight and looks so good immediately followed by a clip of Lindsay admitting to having an eating disorder. And then it ends with either 1) some awesome tagline like "FUCK VH1: Eat Your Dinner" or 2) a shot of Lindsay Lohan in a bikini (looking good now that she's gained some weight back) with a donut in one hand and her Big in '05 award in the other... she takes a bite of the donut and then smashes the award on the ground. A sensual bite and a violent smash.

I want it. Maybe I'll make it. Hmmm....

EDIT: CNN made the headline the headline.

__________________________________________________________________

Fine!

Just click and be bewildered.

If you're reading this and you've got $125 that you don't really need, then you can buy me that oh-so-sweet print.

Here's Greg Simkins's site.

Holiday Songs: My Personal Top 9

In no particular order....

"Winter Wonderland" by the Eurythmics
Working in a retail wonderland this holiday season, I've heard about 25 different versions of this song and as a result I'm starting to hate it. But then I hear this version again and I'm totally blown away by Annie Lennox's voice and harmonies. So rich.

"(It Must Have Been 'Ol) Santa Claus" by Harry MF Connick, Jr.
Even though it's 12 years old, I'm just hearing this one for the 1st time this season. I think this is a new classic. Harry Connick is 2sweet. Gang vocals from the backup band? So fun.

"Christmas In Hollis" by Run DMC
OK, so I said no particular order but this is the one. My absolute favorite. I got this tape right when it came out ("A Very Special Christmas") and I was right on this jam. And then they made a video for it. This track is so solid, so fresh, so happy, so morally uplifting. I cried like a little bitch every time I heard this song during the first Christmas season after JMJ passed on.

"Swiss Colony Beef Log" by Eric Cartman
This is the Christmas song that Meatloaf wishes he wrote. It perfectly captures the "ace in the hole" that is Grandma.

"The Chipmunks Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Alvin Chipmunks feat. Dave Seville
I've heard a rumor that this song singlehandedly sparked the whole "Jews for Jesus" movement. Also, hula hoop sales skyrocketed....

"Twelve Days of Christmas" by The Muppets feat. John Denver
This is the best thing John Denver ever did, hands down. Also, Miss Piggy really made this one her own with the "ba dum bum bum." To me it's the equivalent of Aretha Franklin's adding the "r-e-s-p-e-c-t" to Otis Redding's "Respect." Yeah, that's right, Otis Redding's "Respect."

"Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" by James Brown
I think the title says it all.

"Christmas Time is Here" by Vince Guaraldi
If it wasn't for this man and his music Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang wouldn't be shit. I mean, what would they have done all those sweet dances to?

"Welcome Christmas" by the Citizens of Whoville
A glimpse of what world peace will look like....

OK and a #10 for good measure:

"The Hanukkah Song" by Adam Sandler
This song has and will continue to crush anti-semitism in this country. I mean, Captain Kirk AND Mr. Spock? Diamond Dave? How you gonna hate on that?

Flattery

Have YOU ever had a song written about you? Well, I have. It's even named after me. It's about 3 years old, but it's only recently surfaced on the internet.

It can be found here.

At the time of this post it has been played 718 times on MySpace. That's kinda scary.

Avatar

Yahoo started up this crappy little avatar thing with dorky animation and such. I looked at the options and was like "given so few choices there's NO way I can make one of these things look like me."

Wrong.



I think it's pretty uncanny....

Pudgie's Pizza

I am a total sucker for 80's nostalgia. I think it's an inherent desire for people to cling onto the time period of their childhood. I read an interview with Huey Lewis a few months back... no scratch that... I was watching some Back to the Future DVD bonus footage a few months back and Huey was saying that if he could live in any time period, it would be the 50's. I'm guessing that's probably because that's the decade HE grew up in. I guess that's pretty obvious... we find comfort in returning to that world that surrounded us when we didn't have to worry about taxes or scabies and such.

Anyway, there is one crown jewel of my 80's world that I thought was lost forever in the abyss of the modern day but in fact it is in full force and rocking the 80's aesthetic harder and truer than Hot Topic could ever dream of. It is a fine establishment and PUDGIE'S PIZZA be thine name.

FNA, man. F.N.A. If you were a kid in the Finger Lakes (or some lucky surrounding areas of Upstate NY, Southern Tier and Northern PA) in the MF 80's and you ate food, then you know the absolute greatness of a Pudgie's Party Pizza. Every goddamn sleepover, birthday party, Pizza Day or really any function that involved 4 or more children warranted the purchase and consumption of a fucking awesome Pudgie's Party Pizza. Pardon my language, but this shit gets me going...

And the Pudgies storefronts were beautiful and a-plenty: the small brown and beige squared-off buildings adorned with a bright orange computery-lettered signage could be found up and down Routes 5&20 from Seneca Falls to Geneva. That's right, in that short 12 mile stretch of road that connected 2 dinky villages and one small city you could find THREE (3) Pudgie's Pizzas. It was absolutely breathtaking. The sight of a Pudgie's is almost as sweet as the red sauce that's generously spread atop that giant rectangular pie of joy that is the Pudgie's Party Pizza (OK, "PPP" from here on out).

Notice in that last sentence I switched to the present tense ("is"). That's right. Despite the fact that all 3 Pudgies that I mentioned earlier went out of business no less than 10-15 years ago, Pudgies is still cranking out PPP's like it's 1984. I guess I just wasn't looking in the right places, I live in a bubble and I am a miserable, disgusting failure. Well, sometime in September I was rolling through Canandaigua up to Farmington to check out a good friend's new house and I just about shit my pants when I saw a that there is fully operational mothership on the west side of North Main Street. Fucking unreal. It was just how I had remembered it. But surely the pizza couldn't taste the same as it did 20 years ago.... fuck that.

It can.

It do.

The PPP is alive and well and just a bite of one of its thick, square slices will be enough to make you forget all about pubes and debit cards and Lindsay Lohan's sad anorexic state. The happy memories of 2600s, 5200s, 7800s, 8675309s and US-1 Trucking will just come pouring back in your head, your heart and your soul.

This is only the beginning. I'm going to get a PPP for dinner tonight... after that tirade, how can I not?

BTW: Pudgie's has a website. (Best viewed in IE)

#FF29AF

I pretty sure that this is my favorite colour. It's got a little less blue in it than the colour at the bottom of the header bar above (#FF29D6) and therefore it's a little more pink and a little less purple.

Yeah, I spelled it with a "u." Twice.

????

Do you see a mess of "????" on my page? You Eurocentric fuck! You need to enable the Japanese characters in your browser! The aesthetics of your browsing experience will be so rich...

Here's how:

First, go here and install the Japanese language pack. If you are running Windows2000, then you are a true ninja and this step is not necessary: Windows2000 has all that jazz built into it.

Tools->Options In "General" options click on "Languages"

Then, in the dropdown where it says "Select a language to add..." choose "Japanese [jp]" from the list. You should also probably choose the one below it as well: Kazakh [kk]. Make Borat proud.

Finally, go to the "view" menu and then Character Encoding->AutoDetect->Universal. Like this:

(Click here to see full size image)

Then things will look so much cooler on my page and all sorts of obscure video game pages. (Thanks to my main man Lucas for beta testing this post!)

Note: If you're using IE, then just hit yourself in the head with a tack hammer because you're using IE and you are a retard.

Code Grabber

Hey jerks, make sure you steal as much HTML code as you can from as many people as you can. In your browser go to the "View" menu and choose "Page Source." If you're using IE, then choose "Source" from the "View" menu and then hit yourself in the head with a tack hammer because you're using IE and you are a retard. Hey hey ayee ayee.......... smoke weed everyday.

My Language Contributions (Part One):

I have never considered myself a cunning linguist, however, in retrospect, I feel that throughout the course of my life I have made some very viable contributions to the English language. Of course, they have not yet been fully integrated into society, but perhaps the day will come when Webster and those goddamn bureaucrats catch on to what's really going on in the streets. They're trying... they'll get there. They mean well. "Doh" is in there, isn't it?

My first contribution came at an early age. Have you ever caught yourself holding few locks of hair on your head, rubbing the hair and feeling how soft it is? No? Well, I do it pretty much everyday. And I have done so ever since I had hair (which was day No. 1, since I was born an entire month late). Is this weird? Is feeling how soft your hair is weird? Does anyone else do this?

I'm letting my insecurities get in the way here and I'm straying from the point of this post: my 1st addition to the English language. The word I designated for this phenomenon is "softing." Ex:

Mom: Brady, what are you doing there?
Brady: Softing my hair.

Word. Maybe I'll roll some video footage of some textbook softing and post it so you can all laugh at me some more. And then you'll retreat to the privacy of your bedroom and try some softing of your own. Hypocrites... it matters not: I doubt even half of you have the thick, soft, full-bodied locks I have been blessed with.

Japantipasto

I think that the line, "HiI'mDaisy" from Mario Kart Double Dash for the Nintendo Gamecube is awesome. In fact, oft times I like to say "HiI'mBrady!"

And in a really high pitched, effeminate voice.

On the other end of the spectrum, "I'm-a Wario! I'm-a gonna win!" is equally wonderful. And his affectionate laugh could even warm the heart of a fuzzy little puppy.

I would kill for video footage of the Japanese voice actor recording all these clips.

mr. bobDOBalina

And one more thing... the example DOB date in the profile editor weirds me out. It's 09/17/1976. That exactly one year before my actual birfday. Is that day special or something? The founder of Blogger's birthday?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_17

Space Blog

I have a headache right now. Nothing poetic, just a headache. Part hangover, part sinus... all sucky.

I think I like my MySpace space blog better. But nobody reads that. I'm thinking with the Blogger here, at least Il Sarratorri or whoever he is will read this. It's all about grassroots mass exposure for the dotdUmmy....

Not an Actual Blog Post

This is a test. This is only a test.